@Jennarater: Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
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@Brampersandon_: *catches son swearing through sign language* "We don't use that language in this house" *hands him hand sanitizer* "You know what to do"
@Donnie_Fairburn: [trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine] vending machine: i have a boyfriend
@amazymay72x: Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s. Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.
@TheGladStork: Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.