I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.