Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
2023 was just a warmup
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.