@TheTalkingPipe: Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
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@tourettzgoth: Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
@therealeatwood: ME: I have chronic pain. It flares up whenever someone challenges my beliefs FRIEND: That’s not really how chronic pain works ME: ow owwww
@VerifiedDrunk: Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.