police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do