Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
You Might Also Like
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The future is now.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.