*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
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I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard