America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret