[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML