@davidleecourt: Fitbit says it's time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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@NewDadNotes: Wife: oh no! my sister is about to give birth but they can’t find her medical team. Me: sounds like she’s having a midwife crisis. Wife: Me: Wife: we’ll talk about this when I get back.
@Adar79Angie: When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
@bugbucket: my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I'M complaining that he's a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon