@davidleecourt: Fitbit says it's time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast." Cop: 'Did you see his plate?" Ian: "Yeah. He was eating tacos."
@yoyoha: Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out :(
@Rollinintheseat: When you're talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.
@UncleDuke1969: Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD! Mr. Potato Head: What? Mrs. PH: Your browser history. Mr. PH: I can explain! Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?