Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
You Might Also Like
Tremendous stuff
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?