Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
this could fix me
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.