Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home