FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Godspeed, John Glenn
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”