Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
work smarter, not harder
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.