Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
You Might Also Like
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Camping tip: No.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)