Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.