@amishschool: Fitness guru just tweeted "remember to breathe" and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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@morninggloria: A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets
@Underchilde: My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
@KindOfASmartass: It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you've slept with
@PFPTMillsy: How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong