Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I feel attacked.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.