I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
You Might Also Like
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice