Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.