@LurkAtHomeMom: Fitness tip: It's absolutely crucial to take "rest days" when working out so you don't get hurt. I've recently taken over 300 of them.
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@reallyshitpost: DOCTOR: I have bad news MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
@DadandBuried: They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son's face so parents grow up fast too. I've already become my grandmother.
@CatsForDinnerz: Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.