Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
For the orator and chef in all of us
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Stop being racist to kettles.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.