Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”