ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody