HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.