FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-