When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”