Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.