Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.