five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”