Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.