@MadamBetteNoire: Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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@big_mick_carter: Chinese takeaway - £17 Delivery charge - £1 Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers - Riceless
@Reverend_Scott: [Starbucks] Excuse me, this isn't what I ordered. "You ordered a Grande." Yes, but this is Ariana Grande. "Sir, please just take her."
@thesulk: Next time you're on an elevator with a stranger say, "If the doors open and it's all zombies, let's team up."