Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
How dramatic are you?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
i choose….tongue
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.