Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
HOW DARE YOU
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Can. I. Help. You.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”