Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
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Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
*me flirting
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.