“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
12. I think about this all the damn time
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
pelicons
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!