fixed it
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.