Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
good work, everybody
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Hitlers gonna hitl
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime