*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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58.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My kitchen overserved me.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it