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@ericsshadow: *flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
@Rollinintheseat: Why do authors subtitle their books, "A Novel". Did someone look at their book one day and say "I thought this was a sandwich?"
@realHamOnWry: You must be twins. You're too stupid to be one person.
@matthewbaldwin: MORMON ELECTION GAME: Every time Romney becomes president, drink.
@kumailn: "Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers."
"What about my atm card which holds all my money?"
"Any 4 numbers in a row."
@AndyAsAdjective: It'll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.