*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
what are they serving at kfc then???
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.