Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No