Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Thursday Thought.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
This January has 47 Mondays
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…