@thetruealban: Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge
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@zachreinert03: My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
@davidkenny100: Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs Later Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?
@Carmel_Coleman: Your car won't start? Have you tried getting out of it and then getting back into it again? That usually works for my computer.
@BuckyIsotope: *shows up to date with broken nose* "What happened?" Hurt myself playing football "How?" Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back