@thetruealban: Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge
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@joe_binkley: (Cargo pants filled with tater tots) "How many do I need to get an Xbox?" "Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"
@Goofpoops: Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you're not getting laid...it's because the women can't see you..
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."
@freypalm: Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds? My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It's on me.