[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
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Me: Over there
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Me: In that drawer
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Me: oh no
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
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Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
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Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
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Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
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Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders