[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Feels like the fourth month in January
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.