*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.