Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.