Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit