Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.