Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Finally!
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.