What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
eggs benadryl
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
All food is good if you spell it wrong
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Venn