I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.