*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I support this random dude and all his protests
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I love twitter