[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.