I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
lol
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners